The following jokes have been selected from jokes sent over the last few years on the jokes@floater.org (formerly jokes@pub.ro) mailing list and by Mihai Budiu on his private jokes list. Some of the jokes here might seem offensive to some people (they cover every sexual, religious, ethnic or politically incorrect issue you can think of). If you're easily offended, it's best if you hit Back on your browser now. You have been warned.
Over time, my collection of jokes and funny stories grew, and in order to preserve bandwidth, I've split it into several pages, one page per category, despite the fact that it makes searching more difficult.
If you have a joke that you think it's funny, please drop me a note at tudor@hulubei.net.
Finally, you may want to visit the Funny section in the Photography page.
It's been said many times that engineers and have two things in common: they look intelligent, but they can't quite articulate their ideas...
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks - usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Before he re-entered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut; however, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian nor American space programs.
Over the years, many people have questioned him as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant. On July 5, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. He finally responded. It seems that Mr. Gorsky had died and so Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, Neil was playing baseball with his brother in the backyard. His brother hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbors' bedroom window. The neighbors were Mr and Mrs. Gorksy. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, he heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex? Oral sex you want? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
Three engineering students were gathered together
discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look
at all the joints.''
Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer.
The nervous system has many thousands of electrical
connections.''
The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a
recreational area?''
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't
accurate.".
The Biologist: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly one person
enters the house then it will be empty again."
One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman. The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test."
The firechief takes the mathematcian to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spicket, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?" The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spicket, turn the water on, and put out the fire."
The chief says, "That's great... perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you're walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?" The mathematician puzzles over the question for a while and he finally says, "I light the dumpster on fire." The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?" The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved."
A mathematician and an engineer attend a lecture by a physicist. The topic concerns Kaluza-Klein theories involving physical processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The mathematician is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the engineer is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the engineer has a terrible headache. At the end, the mathematician comments about the wonderful lecture.
The engineer says "How do you understand this stuff?"
Mathematician: "I just visualize the process."
Engineer: "How can you visualize something that occurs in 9-dimensional space?"
Mathematician: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9."
The architect, the artist and the engineer were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said "I like both"
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will both assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go into the lab and get some work done."
One day a physicist is walking along the road, when he hears a little voice shouting "help" from a bush by the road-side. He peers into the bush, but all he can see is a small frog. As he looks more closely he realises that it is the frog that is shouting. He picks it up and holds it to his ear.
The frog says: "Oh, thank goodness, I am a beautiful princess who a wicked witch cast a spell upon. One kiss from you and I shall be returned to my normal state."
The physicist smiles delightedly, but does not kiss the frog, he just stares at it. She says: "Please, just kiss me, my father will give you a huge reward, and probably my hand in marriage."
The physicist smiles even more, but STILL does not kiss her, instead moves to put her into his pocket. She screams: "What are you doing? I am a beautiful princess one kiss and I would be yours forever!"
He looks at her and says: "AH but you do not realize, I am a physicist! What use have I for a beautiful princess? But a talking frog! Now that is interesting!"
A famous statistician would never travel by airplane, because he had studied air travel and estimated the probability of there being a bomb on any given flight was 1 in a million, and he was not prepared to accept these odds.
One day a colleague met him at a conference far from home. "How did you get here, by train?"
"No, I flew"
"What about your the possibiltiy of a bomb?"
"Well, I began thinking that if the odds of one bomb are 1:million, then the odds of TWO bombs are (1/1,000,000) x (1/1,000,000). This is a very, very small probability, which I can accept. So, now I bring my own bomb along!"
Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime."
The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that you're right."
The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, "Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it does seem right."
Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says "Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long! I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime, 7 is prime..."
A 54 year old mathematician leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her):
"I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I
will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and
sexy 18 year old secretary."
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him):
"I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I
will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and
virile 18 year old toy boy. You being a
mathematician will therefore appreciate that 18 goes
into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000 years ago had a nationwide telephone network.
Naturally, the British government was not that easily impressed. They ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters down, they found small pieces of glass, and they soon announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already had a nationwide fibre net.
Polish scientists were outraged. They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found absolutely nothing...
They concluded that the ancient Poles 55,000 years ago had cellular telephones.
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?".
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."."
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess. An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. "Isn't that just like an engineer, we're looking for the height and he gives us the length."
A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out.
All from the same person.