The following jokes have been selected from jokes sent over the last few years on the jokes@floater.org (formerly jokes@pub.ro) mailing list and by Mihai Budiu on his private jokes list. Some of the jokes here might seem offensive to some people (they cover every sexual, religious, ethnic or politically incorrect issue you can think of). If you're easily offended, it's best if you hit Back on your browser now. You have been warned.
Over time, my collection of jokes and funny stories grew, and in order to preserve bandwidth, I've split it into several pages, one page per category, despite the fact that it makes searching more difficult.
If you have a joke that you think it's funny, please drop me a note at tudor@hulubei.net.
Finally, you may want to visit the Funny section in the Photography page.
Bad Day in LA (WMV movie)
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for
him, so one day hedecided to trick them into doing
some work for a change.
"I've got areally
easy job today for the laziest one among you,"
he announced". Will the laziest man please put
his hand up".
Nine hands went up.
"Why
didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the
tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the
reply.
Today I walked into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?"
She replied, "Don't 'Miss' me, mister."
I still can't figure out why she slapped my face when I said, "Well then, you better make it 13."
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ...."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ..."
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
My favorite sophism:
- The proposition "Everything is a Goat" is either true or not true.
- If it is false, then its opposite must be true.
- The opposite of "everything" is "nothing", which give us the proposition "Nothing is a Goat".
- Now, this statement is clearly false, for goats certainly exist - we have all seen them. This means that its opposite must be true.
- Therefore, "Everything is a Goat" must be a true statement.
"We're running out of adjectives to describe
our situation. We had crisis, then we went into
chaos, and now what do we call this?" said
Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a
doctorate from Yale.
-- The Washington Post,
February, 1988
The New Yorker's comment:
At Harvard they'd call
it a noun.
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10 speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains just became to much and he could go no farther.
He stuck his thumb out but after 3 hours, hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride.
Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going to fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down.
Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike immediately took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 90 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radiod to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 90 mph. He then relayed,
"And you're not going to believe this -- but there's this *really* amazing guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass!".
A guy got bogged down on a muddy road and paid a passing farmer twenty dollars to pull him out with his tractor.
After he was back on dry ground, the guy told the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."
"Can't do it", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. Didn't see your sign." It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a moving van in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the ramp, I lifted up this big net full of Flounder and this idiot on the ramp goes, "Hey, you catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it".
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my car into a gas station. The attendant walks out, looks at my car, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Shit, that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know it, I misjudged the height of a bridge. Should've been wearing a sign I guess. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning. Ok. No problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign... until he asked "So. Is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "No. I'm delivering a bridge... Here's your sign."
I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."
Anybody you know need a sign today?
The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hotdog vendor and says, "Make me one with everything."
The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.
The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. "Where's my change?" asks the Zen Master.
The vendor responds, "Change must come from within."
"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
Dear Santa,
You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today,
the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like
to clear up certain things that have occured since
the beginning of the month, when, filled with
illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a
bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller
blades, and a football uniform.
I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me, with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There was virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity.
What balls you have leaving me a fucking yoyo, a lame whistle and a pair of ugly socks! What the fuck were you thinking, you fat prick, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like that under the tree? As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little quiff across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house. Don't let me see you trying to fit your big fat ass down my chimney next year! I'll fuck you up! I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back to the fucking North Pole, just like I have to do now since you didn't get me that fucking bike. FUCK YOU SANTA. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you FAT COCKSUCKER!
Sincerely,
Little Johnny
At a resort, a guy walks up to an older fellow who is sitting in the sun, sipping iced tea.
Young guy says, "Hey, how about a round of golf."
"Nah," the older fellow replies, "tried it once, didn't like it."
"Well, how about a swim? It'll be more refreshing that your iced tea there."
"Nah," the older fellow responds, "tried it once, didn't like it."
"Young guy says, "Well, how about a game of tennis?"
"Naw, tried it once and didn't like it. But my son will be here soon. He's usually up for a game or two."
Young guy replies, "Your only child I presume?"
Driving to work this morning on I-95 I look over to my left and there's this woman in a Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eye liner!
I look away for a couple seconds and when I look back she's halfway over in my lane.
Scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver in my coffee."
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"
A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator."
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!"
A motorcycle cop had just pulled over a red Porsche
after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your
driver's license and registration please."
"What's the problem, officer?"
"You just ran that stop sign back
there."
"Oh come on, pal, there wasn't
a car within miles of me."
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to
a complete stop, look both ways, and proceed with
caution."
"You gotta be kidding
me!"
"It's no joke, sir."
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop,
saw no one within twenty miles, and proceeded with
caution."
"That's beside the point,
sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop, and
you didn't. Now if I may see your license
and"
"You've got a lot of time on your
hands, pal. What's the matter, all the doughnut
shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook
that last comment. Let me see your license and
registration immediately."
"I will, if
you can tell me the difference between slowing down,
and coming to a complete stop."
The
policeman had enough. "Sir, I can do better
than that." He opened the car door, dragged the
rude motorist out, and proceeded to methodically
beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like for me to slow down or
come to a complete stop?"
A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough."
She brings out a bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough."
She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"
An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We're having some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?" The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find someone else." The couple said, "No, No, we trust you." After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seam to be having any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any suggestions." This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is this your idea of kinky sex?" The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us. The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that. You only charge $35, and medicare pays half of that."
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others." he is told by the doorman (say his name is Pete). Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So Pete leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants.
"See, Here is your first room mate. He has an
IQ of 180!"
"Why that's
wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss
literature!"
"And here is your second
room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"Why
that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can
discuss mathematics!"
"And here is
your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That's Wonderful! We can discuss the latest
plays at the theater!"
Just then another
man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.
"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my
IQ is only 80." Albert smiles back at him and
says, "So, where do you think interest rates
are headed?"
It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the passengers.
One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end. As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps "OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?"
Jim goes into a confessional and says "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned, last night I had sex with a woman who is not my wife."
The Priest says "Son, I cannot grant you absolution
unless you tell me her name. Who was this woman?"
Jim says "Father, forgive me but I cannot tell you
her name."
The Priest says "Was it that red-haired hussey
Maureen O'Flahherty?"
"Father, forgive me but I
cannot tell you her name."
The Priest says "Was it that adulterous Sheila
Calhoun?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot tell
you her name."
The Priest says "Was it that brazen Mary
Callaghan?"
"Father, forgive me but I cannot
tell you her name."
The Priest says "Was it that wicked woman
Kathleen O'Connor?"
"Father, forgive
me but I cannot tell you her name."
The Priest says "Well, if you will not tell me her name, I cannot grant you absolution. Begone!"
So Jim leaves the church and meets his friend Jonno outside.
Jonno says "Hey Jim, you're not a Catholic, surely you weren't trying to get absolution?"
Jim says "Nah, just picking up some tips..."
Squiffy goes to see the doctor and tells him he has a problem with his waterworks. When asked to explain more, Suiff drops his trousers and shows the doctor that he has had his penis pierced. The problem is that when he takes a leak it goes in several directions at once. The doctor says he will recommend him to an expert and begins to write a note. Squiff ask if the expert in on Harley Street and the doctor replied "No, he's a clarinet player in the London Philharmonic".
Her Majesty the Queen was being shown around a hospital. As she was being given the guided tour by a senior consultant they passed a room where you could see a man masturbating FURIOUSLY through the window. Of course the Queen was not at all amused and demanded an explanation as to why these activities were allowed in the hospital.
"Ah." said the Doctor. "Now although it is perhaps unfortunate that you should have witnessed that, in fact that poor patient is suffering from a very debilitating condition. He produces so much sperm that unless he gets rid of it 4 times a day his testicles will explode."
"Oh." said her Majesty. "Well, in that case I suppose I can understand."
A little further on down the corridor they passed another room. The door was open, and through it you could see a nurse who was clearly giving a patient oral sex.
"Goodness Gracious!" shrieked Her Majesty. "I demand an explanation for this kind of sordid goings-on!"
"Ah". Said the Doctor. "Same problem, better health plan."
I have a friend who has to have the worst job in the world: he is a Unix system administrator. But it's worse than that, as I will soon tell.
The training for Unix system administration is a frightening process. When machines start dying, users start screaming, and everything grinds to a halt, the novice feels the cold fingers of terror clutching about his heart.
#!/bin/sh
# this doesn't work, but no time to fix it -- hope
# nothing crashes
progname=$0
But if one stays the course, one might some day achieve the dubious satisfaction of being able to mutter "at least I know why it broke!".
#!/bin/sh
# This works...I wonder if it will get me laid
progname="`echo $0 | sed 's:^\./\./:\./:'`"
But there are many who must dwell in this miasma both day and night. What makes my friend's job so ugly is that he doesn't only work with just any strain of Unix -- he works with Solaris. And he doesn't just deal with just any braindead users -- his users are the executives at Sun Microsystems.
Let me tell you about Sun Microsystems. At Sun, there's a long history of executives playing pranks on one another. For April Fools, these rowdies would play tricks like putting a golf course (complete with putting green) in Scott McNealy's office, or floating Bill Joy's Ferrari in one of the landscaped ponds. Things have come a long way since then. Now every day is April Fools, and my friend doesn't like it one bit.
VP: "Admin!! What the fuck is this thing running on my machine?"
Admin: "It's Solaris, sir."
VP: "Get it off of my machine at once!"
Admin: "But sir, Ed Zander told me that you should be running Solaris now."
VP: "Zander, huh? I'll fix him. Is he running Solaris?"
Admin: "No sir."
VP: "Why not?"
Admin: "If he ran Solaris, he wouldn't be able to get any work done."
VP: "Very well, restore my machine to SunOS, and put this Solaris crap on Zander's machine."
Admin: "But sir..."
VP: "That's an order! And tell him Scott gave you the directive himself!"
Admin: "Yes, sir."
----
Zander: "Admin!! What the fuck is this thing running on my machine?"
Admin: "It's Solaris, sir."
Zander: "Get it off of my machine at once!"
Admin: "But sir, Scott McNealy told me that you should be running Solaris now."
Zander: "McNealy, huh? I'll fix him. Is he running Solaris?"
----
The only thing worse that being a Unix system administrator is doing the job for ungrateful users.
A man once counselled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his cornflakes every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grand-children, 35 great-grand children, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a
Texas A&M freshman was learning his way around the
campus. Stopping a distinguished looking
upperclassman, he inquired,
"Say, buddy, can
you tell me where the library is at?"
"My good fellow," came the reply, "at
Princeton we do not end our sentences with a
preposition."
"All right," said the
freshman, "can you tell me where the library is
at, asshole?"
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane , a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain, she screamed, "What in the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes asked: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson said "I see millions and millions of
stars".
Holmes: "And what does that
tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Elementary, my dear Watson. Somebody stole our tent".
A guy pulls into a little town, and every hotel room is taken. He says to the last hotel clerk, "You've gotta have a room somewhere. Or just a bed, please, I'm really beat."
The clerk says, "Well, I do have a double room with only one occupant, and I'm sure he'd be glad to split the cost. But he snores so loudly that the people in the adjoining rooms have been complaining all week."
The guy says, "No problem, I'll take it."
The next morning the guy comes down to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
The manager says, "How'd you sleep with him
snoring?"
The guy says, "I shut him up
quick."
The manager says, "How'd you
do that?"
The guy says, "He was already in bed snoring away when I came into the room. So I went over, gave him a big kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Good night, beautiful.' And he sat up and watched me all night."
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.
When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't." said the madame.
"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
At the second one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry, it isn't." said the madame.
"If I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked again.
"The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20."
Again offended, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued until he finally reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he questioned.
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame while gesturing to a grotesque woman in her seventies in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."
A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away.
'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I always pay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says.
The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.
A priest is sitting in his confessional and hears an old man's voice on the other side of the screen. The old man says, "Father, I'm eighty-one years old, I've been married to the same woman for fifty-four years, and have always been faithful. But yesterday, I made wild, passionate love with a pair of lovely eighteen-year-old twin sisters."
The priest asks, "When was the last time you went to confession?"
The old man replies, "Never...I'm Jewish."
The priest is puzzled. "Then why did you come here today to tell me this?"
The old man says, "Oh...heck...I'm telling everybody!!!"
There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There is some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Canada, sir".
"Oh really. Why did you leave Canada?"
asked the manager.
The boy replied,
"They're all whores and hockey players up
there."
"My wife is from
Canada!"
The boy replied, "Really!
What team did she play for?"
From a disgruntled Southwest Airlines employee....
Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.
If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.
The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.
Naturally I replied, "Big tits."
He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
So I said, "Oh, seriously big tits."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt. Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's tits are that big.
The boss calls four of his employees into the office: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you
with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make
your head spin."
To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: "I think I might be gay."
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other. The Police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court".
"The court room goes silent and Paddy stands up and says, "Judge... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened". The Judge asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song... when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates".
"God," the Judge responded, that must have hurt!"
Paddy replies "Hurt! Your Honor, you have no idea! He broke three of my fingers!"
Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their next house so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and I haven't seen'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send you, aunt sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn't make the last payment on grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister... She had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a boy or a girl so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.
Your uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him, he burned for three days.
By the way, your dad locked his keys in the car last week, it took him three hours to get me out.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in their pick-up. One was driving, the other two were in the back, the driver got out, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned, they couldn't get the tailgate down.
Not much news this time...Nothing much has happened
Love, Mom
P.S. I was gonna to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.
Its the night of the biggest football match ever seen. England versus Scotland in the Euro 2000 play-offs and Kev and the lads are having a chat in the dressing room before the match.
"Look guys, I know they're no good," explains Kev, "but we have to play them to keep the UEFA happy."
"I'll tell you what," pipes up Owen, "You guys go down the pub and I'll play them on my own, how does that sound?"
"Seems reasonable," replies Kev and the other lads, and with that they all go down the local and start playing pool.
After a while, Shearer remembers the match and flicks the pub telly onto Ceefax: England 1 (Owen, at 10 min), Scotland 0 -- is the scoreline.
Confidently they resume their pool match until switching back to Ceefax, the final score reads: England 1 (Owen 10 min), Scotland 1 (Collins, at 45 min).
"WHAT!!",they exclaim and run back to Wembley where they find Owen sitting in the dressing room with his head in his hands.
"What the hell happened, Michael?" bellows Kev.
"Sorry lads," Owen replies, "Bloody ref sent me off in the 36th minute."
It has been reported that the Ferrari F1 Team fired their entire Pit-Crew yesterday. The announcement was followed by Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Governments "Work For the Dole" scheme and hire unemployed youths from the Manchester area. The decision to hire them was brought on by a recent documentary on how unemployed youth in the Manchester area can remove a set of car wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment where as Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds.
This was thought to be an excellent yet bold move by Ferrari management. As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari would have an advantage over every team.
However Ferrari expectations were easily exceeded, while during the crews first practice session; not only were the 'Manchester Boyz' able to change the tyres in under 6 seconds but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, rebadged, and had sold the vehicle to the McLaren team.
After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...
Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?
Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply
on my computer...
Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...
Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the
startup files...
Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty
power supply. You need to replace it...
Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to
change the system startup files to fix the problem!
All I need is for you to tell me the right
command...
For the next ten minutes, in spite of the
technician's efforts to explain the problem and its
solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he
was right. So, in frustration, the technician
responded...
Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our
customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS
command that will fix the problem...
Customer: I knew it!
Technician: Just add the line "LOAD NOSMOKE.COM" at
the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should
work fine. Let me know how it goes...
About ten minutes later, the technician received a
call back from the customer...
Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still
smoking...
Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?
Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...
Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version
of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to
contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me
know how it all works out...
When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...
Customer: I need a new power supply...
Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?
Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the
technician what you said, and he started asking me
questions about the make of the power supply...
Technician: What did he tell you?
Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible
with NOSMOKE.COM...
Tiger Woods
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Feckin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything!"
So, the owner of this pharmacy walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the assistant: "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The assistant goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The pharmacist goes "You idiot!" You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The assistant goes "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
Argentinian ad posted before a Brasil-Argentina
soccer game:
Brasilian ad posted after Brasil won the game 3 to 1:
Good Morning, My Little Earthling
Let me introduce myself: I am an extraterrestrial, and I come from the constellation you call Orion.
In order to remain incognito, I have disguised myself as an e-mail and right now i am having sexual intercourse with your eyeballs. I do know that you like it, because i can see a smile on your face.
And now you are laughing, which means you have had an orgasm.
Quickly pass me on to your neighbor, as I am still quite excited.
Bye, for now...
It was a pleasure for me. My photo is attached.
"Peter!", his mother scolded, "There were two cookies in the pantry this morning but now there's only one! Do you have an explanation?"
Peter replied: "It must have been too dark and I didn't see the other one."
Doctor: Now just step on the scales. There you see? Look at this chart. You're overweight.
Patient: No, I'm not. I'm just 6 inches too short.
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, "What do you think about me?"
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "Yes she did".
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
What is "Marketing?"
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." -- That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed," -- That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call him and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," -- That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed," -- That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed," -- That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. -- That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. -- That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" -- That's Spam.
AUDI: Another Ugly Deutsche Invention
BMW: Brings Me Women
FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
FORD: Fix Or Repair Daily
SAAB: Shape Appears Ass-Backwards
HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable And
Inexpensive...
SUBARU: Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually
VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having
Everything
Anger Management
When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.
It all started one day when I was sitting at my desk and remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered, saying, "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. May I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said: "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're interested in the Caller ID program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"
One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."
"What's your name?"
"My name is Don Burgemeyer," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.
Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea.
I called Asshole #1.
"Hello."
"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I screamed back.
"Who are you?" he demanded.
"My name is Don Burgemeyer."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, ASSHOLE! It's a yellow house, with my black beemer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over there right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called Asshole #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, asshole," I said...again, without hanging up.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are!"
"Yeah, you'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way home to kill my gay lover.
Then I called Channel 9 News to let them know about the war going down on West 34th Street. I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.
There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter, and a news crew.
NOW, I feel better.
Anger management really works!!!