The following jokes have been selected from jokes sent over the last few years on the jokes@floater.org (formerly jokes@pub.ro) mailing list and by Mihai Budiu on his private jokes list. Some of the jokes here might seem offensive to some people (they cover every sexual, religious, ethnic or politically incorrect issue you can think of). If you're easily offended, it's best if you hit Back on your browser now. You have been warned.
Over time, my collection of jokes and funny stories grew, and in order to preserve bandwidth, I've split it into several pages, one page per category, despite the fact that it makes searching more difficult.
If you have a joke that you think it's funny, please drop me a note at tudor@hulubei.net.
Finally, you may want to visit the Funny section in the Photography page.
Do you speak English? (WMV movie)
I was lying in bed one morning thinking of this whole Big-Bang theory, and how scientists are trying to account for all the mass in the Universe so that they can figure out if the initial explosion was powerful enough to cause the Universe to expand indefinitely, with galaxies moving further and further away from each other and getting colder and colder, or if there was enough mass for gravity to slow down that expansion, eventually causing the Universe to implode back into a singularity.
Then my wife got out of bed to go to the bathroom. A glimpse at her ass and I knew right then and there that we're all gonna freeze to death.
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next."
Turn off your cell phone! (ASF movie)
Two guys are moving about in a Wal-Mart when their carts collide. One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with dark hair, long legs, firm boobs, and a tight ass. What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours."
Never forget an important date again! (WMV movie)
A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury my wife."
"But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker.
"I got married again," the man sobbed.
"Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."
Best commercial in Europe! (MPG movie)
A couple is lying in bed. The woman says, "I am going to make you the happiest man in the world". The man replies, "I'll miss you".
A man comes home and says to his wife: "The pub's open so get your coat on."
Delighted, she replies: "Great, I haven't been to the pub with you for a long time."
"No," he says "I'm going on my own and I'm turning the heating off!"
My wife left me.
I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told
me we had to cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking
beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends.
Anyway, I gave it up, but the other day, when she came home
from shopping and I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in
makeup, I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and
you haven't given up anything!"
She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for
you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was
for!"
I don't think she'll be back...
Bill and Sheila were dining out when his ol' lady spotted a familiar face at the bar. "Look, honey," she said, pointing out the guy, "see that man on the second barstool over there? He's been drinking like that ever since the day I left him, seven years ago." Bill said. "Bullshit, Sheila - nobody can celebrate that long!"
Dear Connie, I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says: "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation. She was young, maybe 19; with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I'd never really thought of that before. I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you. Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy." Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fueled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can. If you feel the same please, please, please let me know. Otherwise, can you let me know where the fucking remote is. Love, John
Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear," "Boy, these feel just like your sister's..." "Then you try to hold on for eight seconds."
"Doctor, I think my wife's been dead for two
weeks."
"How do you know?"
"Well, the sex is the same, but then I noticed
the laundry and dirty dishes are starting to pile
up!"
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. y looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot fast and the morning newspaper. son is also at the table, eating. Larry asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Larry asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married!"
A man went to the dentist's, his wife by his side. When they arrived at the office, he told her to sit in the waiting room: "I'll only be a few minutes", he assured her.
So the guy goes in, and says to the dentist, "How much will it cost if you administer the nitrous oxide, and pull the tooth?" The dentist replies, "That would be 75 dollars." The guy winces, and says, "Oh, that's far too expensive. How 'bout if you use that novocaine, and go in and pull that tooth?" The dentist says, "25 dollars." "That's a little better," says the guy, "but still more than I want to pay. How 'bout if you just take them pliers, and just go right in and pull the tooth?" "Five dollars", comes the dentist's reply. "That's fine", says the man, "We'll do it that way."
He gets up from the chair, opens the door to the waiting room, and says to his wife, "Come on in, honey, the dentist is ready for you!"
A businessman taking a seminar on efficiency completed a case study of his wife's routine for fixing breakfast, and presented the results to the class.
"After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices that were robbing her of her precious time and energy," the man reported, "taking note of how many trips she made from the kitchen to the dining room carrying just one item, I suggested that in the future she carry several items at a time."
"Did it work?", the teacher asked.
"It sure did," replied the businessman, "instead of taking her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes me just seven."
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest boobs.
"Mr. Quinn, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very generous of you, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room. Why are you down here at this time of night?". The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes, I do" she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have got free today"
A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared. He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what has she been up to and why she hasn't been home for so long.
She replied: "These four men kidnapped me to have wild sex with me for a week."
The husband answered: "But it's only been two days, what do you mean 'a week?'"
"I am only here to get something to eat."
A salesman Joe came earlier than expected home and told his wife that he wants to take a nice bath and a nice cool beer, so if anyone calls she shoud say he is not home.
After a while the phone rang and Joe heard his wife say: "Unfortunately he is home!"
Joe: "I forbade you to tell I am home!"
Wife: "Do not worry -- the call was for me!"
A cannibal and his son are hiding behind some bushes, waiting for some food to stroll by.
After a few minutes, a skinny guy comes along. The son says,"How about him, dad?"
"Naw," says the father, "too skinny."
A while later a fat guy wanders by. "What about that guy, dad?" asks the son.
"Naw, too much cholesterol."
A little later, a foxy chick wriggles by. The son asks, "How about her, Dad?"
"Absolutely. Let's take her home and eat your mother!"
One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast. Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, "could you pass the honey honey?" to whom his wife, hands over the honey. Then, the husband from Kansas says " Could you pass the sugar sugar?" and she passes him the sugar. The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says "Wanna pass me the bacon?"
There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the way down 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?" The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."
The woman was testifying for divorce explaining her "Bad marriage" to the Judge. She said, "That's my side of the story, your honor, now let me tell you his."
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."
There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
A man and his wife are screwing. Fifteen minutes has passed, thirty minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both of them.
After a few more moments, the wife comments, "Can't you think of anyone either?"
The doctor had examined old George's heart and summed up his advice with:
"No smoking, no drinking and no sex!"
After much protesting by George the doctor relented:
"Okay, one cigarette only after meals, and no more than two glasses of beer a day."
"What about sex?" asked George
"Very occasionally," said the doctor, "and only with your wife! It's very important you avoid any excitement".
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and
go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in
bed and go to the fridge.
As soon as they finished making love, Susie jumped up from the bed and started packing her suitcase.
"What on Earth are you doing ?" asked her puzzled husband.
"In Las Vegas I could get two hundred dollars for what I gave you for free," she pointed out, "so I'm moving to Las Vegas."
This was enough to provoke her husband to jump up and begin packing his bags.
"What're you up to?" asked Susie in surprise.
"I'm following you to Las Vegas," he replied. "I've got to see you live off six hundred dollars a year."
Harold wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling amorous, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." "Alright", he said, and he rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.
A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"
A man and his secretary are having an affair, so one afternoon they get a motel room and have strenuous sex. He's not used to the pace, so he falls asleep afterwards and doesn't wake up until about 8:30 that night, at which time he realizes it's late and that he has to get home.
He says to his secretary, "Quick! While I get dressed, you take my shoes outside and drag them around through the grass and mud." Puzzled, the secretary complies.
When the man gets home about 9:30, his wife confronts him and asks him where he's been. The man says, "I cannot lie to you. I spent the better part of the day doing my secretary in a motel room, then I fell asleep, woke up later, and came right home." The woman looks down at his shoes and says, "You lying bastard, you've been out playing golf again!"
A fresh faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question.
"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and wacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went
to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of
the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied and goes off to work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: "What the hell was that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."
In Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists. An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk which yielded no results, he asked where they were from.
"America," the husband replied.
Looking at the woman's dark hair and olive skin,
the Arab said, "You are very beautiful."
"Thank you," said the wife.
He then asked her, "Is this man your husband?"
"Yes," she replied.
Turning to the husband, he said, "I will give you
100 camels for her."
The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence.
Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."
After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which he replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."
Four guys were out on the golf course. As one of them was teeing off at the 10th hole, which was next to the highway, they saw a funeral precession go by. Instead of teeing off, the guy removed his cap and placed it on his chest until the funeral had passed.
At this point, the other three said, "You know, the was the most touching thing I've ever seen." And the guy answers, "Well, I was married to her for 15 years. It was the least I could do!"
Two factory workers were talking during a break and one of them said:
Are you going to the basketball game at the Forum Sunday? Its the big game, the Lakers are playing the Bulls.
Nah, said the other one, my wife won't let me go.
You are a fool. There's nothing to it.
What do you mean?
Well, an hour before the game you simply pick her up, carry her to the bed, fling her on the bed, tear off her clothes, screw her, and say "I'm going to the game."
The following Monday, the two men met at work and the first one said, What happened? I didn't see you at the game. Didn't you do what I suggested?
The second man said, I'll tell you what happened. An hour before the game, I picked up the wife, carried her to the bedroom and flung her on the bed.
And?
And then, just as I was pulling off her panties and opening my fly, I thought to myself, what the hell, the Lakers haven't been playing that well lately...
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times...When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?" "What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No, thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all." As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said....
"Please bring up a postcard."
A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only." Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside"
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men here have it short and thin"...the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the Second floor reads "All the men here have it long and thin".
Still, this wasn't good enough so the friends move up to the Third floor, where the sign reads "All the men here have it short and thick". This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.
In the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have it long and thick" The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is one floor left.
Wondering what they were missing, they go to the Fifth floor, where the sign read" "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman".
At 85 years of age, Morris marries LouAnne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, LouAnne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, LouAnne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of LouAnne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, LouAnne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, LouAnne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses LouAnne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. LouAnne is set to go to sleep again.
However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.
As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to LouAnne and says, "You mean I was here already?"
Dear Lord, I pray
For wisdom to understand my man,
Love to forgive him, and
Patience for his moods
Because Lord, if I pray for strength,
I'll beat him to death.
Some teachers at state universities get to know their students fairly well. One instructor told his communications class of his plans to propose marriage. A student spoke up and said that he had recently asked his girlfriend to marry him as well.
"What was her answer?" the instructor asked.
"I don't know," the student replied. "She hasn't e-mailed me back yet."
A guy goes to a priest. "Father, I think my wife wants to poison me." The priest tries to calm him down: "Listen, I'm gonna have a chat with her and I'll talk to you afterwards."
Next day, the priest calls the guy and says: "I've talked to your wife for almost three hours. My advice? Take the poison."