The following jokes have been selected from jokes sent over the last few years on the jokes@floater.org (formerly jokes@pub.ro) mailing list and by Mihai Budiu on his private jokes list. Some of the jokes here might seem offensive to some people (they cover every sexual, religious, ethnic or politically incorrect issue you can think of). If you're easily offended, it's best if you hit Back on your browser now. You have been warned.
Over time, my collection of jokes and funny stories grew, and in order to preserve bandwidth, I've split it into several pages, one page per category, despite the fact that it makes searching more difficult.
If you have a joke that you think it's funny, please drop me a note at tudor@hulubei.net.
Finally, you may want to visit the Funny section in the Photography page.
A terrorist pulls out a gun in an airplane and starts shouting: "I'm gonna kill everybody if you don't land this plane in Tehran!" The flight attendant calmly replies: "Sir, this plane cannot go to Tehran." The terrorist becomes even more agitated: "Which part of it did you not understand? I have a gun and I will shoot everybody if you don't change course for Tehran!" "Sir", comes the reply, "please remain calm, there is a gentleman with a bomb ahead of you who wants to land in Beirut."
The gypsy's wife wakes up in the middle of the night
and starts screaming. She tries to wake up her
husband:
"Wake up, wake up!!!"
"Let me sleep, bitch!"
"Wake uuuuuup!!!"
Angry, the gypsy wakes up and asks her:
"What's up, bitch?"
"There's a cockroach on the wall!!!"
"What did you expect, bitch? A Rembrandt?"
Subtitles (WMV movie)
At an American airport:
- Name?
- Muhjmatil Sahtamil.
- Sex?
- Three times a week.
- I mean: male or female?
- It doesn't matter...
An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not the new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. -- David Letterman
Unlicensed Animals (MP3 audio)
A Jewish man was riding on the subway reading an Arab newspaper.
A friend of his, who happened to be riding in the same subway car, noticed this strange phenomenon. Very upset, he approached the newspaper reader:
"Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading an Arab newspaper?"
Moshe replied: "I used to read the Jewish newspaper, but what did I find? Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked, Jews disappearing through assimilation and intermarriage, Jews living in poverty. So I switched to the Arab newspaper. Now what do I find? Jews own all the banks, Jews control the media, Jews are all rich and powerful, Jews rule the world. The news is so much better..."
A gypsy chats with a black guy.
- Listen, starts the gypsy, how the hell do you manage to get your
kids to be so black? I've tried, and tried, and tried, and nothing!
- Is your dick as big as mine, asks the black guy?
- Uh, ... no, comes the reply.
- Is your dick as thick as mine?
- No.
- Well, there you have it, goes the black guy. Stray light is getting in!
German Engineering vs. Arab Technology (WMV movie)
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. They decided to have fun with the man. One of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a girly-man."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that," said the Irishman.
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a girly-man, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off... watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
A Jew, a Christian and a Muslim were having a discussion about who was the most religious.
"I was riding my camel in the middle of the Sahara," exclaimed the Muslim. "Suddenly a fierce sandstorm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as I lay next to my camel while we being buried deeper and deeper under the sand. But I did not lose my faith in the Almighty Allah, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for a hundred meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Muslim and am now learning to recite the Quran by memory."
"One day while fishing," started the Christian, "I was in my little dinghy in the middle of the ocean. Suddenly a fierce storm appeared from nowhere. I truly thought my end had come as my little dinghy was tossed up and down in the rough ocean. But I did not lose my faith in Jesus Christ, I prayed and prayed and suddenly, for 300 meters all around me, the storm had stopped. Since that day I am a devout Christian and am now teaching young children about Him."
"One day I was walking down the road," explained the Jew, "I was in my most expensive designer outfit in the middle of New York city. Suddenly I saw a black bag on the ground in front of me appear from nowhere. I put my hand inside and found a million dollars in cash. I truly thought my end had come as it was a Saturday and we are not allowed to handle money on Saturdays. But I did not lose my faith in God, I prayed and prayed and suddenly,... for 500 meters all around me,... it was Tuesday!"
From: abc@company.com
To: xyz@company.com
Subject: The Amish Virus
You have just received the Amish virus. Because we don't have any computers, or programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation.
The Amish Computer Engineering Department
Turkish Jingle Bells (MP3 audio)
An Irishman walks out of a pub, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, "Can I help you lad?"
"Yesss, sssshombody stol me car!" the Irishman replies.
The cop asks, "Well now, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key."
About this time the cop looks down to see that the Irishman's member is being exhibited for all to see. He then asks, "Are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
The Irishman looks down woefully and moans "OOOH GOD... they got me girlfriend too!"
These two guys are in the wild west of the US about 150 years ago. They walk into a bar and they see a sign which says "WE PAY $100 FOR INDIAN SCALPS". So Charles turns to Edgar and says "hey look that's easy money old chap, let us find us some natives." So the two of them go out, find two indians, scalp them and duly get their their $100.
That night they sleep in a tent on the edge of town. The next morning Charles wakes up and sticks his head out of the tent and he sees 20,000 indians standing in a circle around them. He quickly gets back into the tent and shouts excitedly: "Edgar, we're rich, we're rich!"
Four guys - an American, a Cuban, a Scotsman and an Indian Computer Programmer, were on a cruise ship. As they were standing on the open deck, watching the waves and chatting, each one started showing off. The Cuban took out an expensive Cuban cigar, lit it, took just one puff and tossed it into the sea.
The other guy's were flabbergasted. They asked him why he had to throw away such an expensive thing. The Cuban replied,"Where I come from, we have plenty of it. So, it is no Big deal". Not to be outdone, the Scotsman pulled out a new bottle of expensive scotch whisky, opened it, took just one sip and threw the bottle into the sea. He simply looked at the others and said "It is no big deal! We have plenty of that stuff where I come from".
The American just grabbed the Indian Programmer and threw him into the sea.
A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost fifty dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Mon," he said, "anywhere in Scotland it would have been cheaper."
"Perhaps," said the travel agent, "but remember, the Sea of Galilee is the water on which our Lord walked."
"Oh, my," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder he walked."
A young Scot calls the Hot Line.
"Hello darling", she says.
"Hello sweetheart", he answers.
She continues:
"I will do anything for you!"
The Scot thinks for a second, then answers:
"Great, then hang up and call me back!"
A Jewish man moves into a Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday the Catholics go crazy because, while they're morosely eating fish, the Jew is outside barbecuing steaks. So the Catholics work on the Jew to convert him.
Finally, by threats and pleading, the Catholics succeed. They take the Jew to a priest who sprinkles holy water on the Jew and intones: ....."Born a Jew ......Raised a Jew ......Now a Catholic."
The Catholics are ecstatic. No more delicious, but maddening smells every Friday evening. But the next Friday evening, the scent of barbecue wafts through the neighborhood. The Catholics all rush to the Jew's house to remind him of his new diet. They see him standing over the cooking steak. He is sprinkling water on the meat and saying: ....."Born a cow ......Raised a cow ......Now a fish."
A Russian man saves his rubles for twenty years to buy a new car. After choosing the model and options he wants, he's not the least bit surprised or even concerned to learn that it will take two years for the new car to be delivered. He thanks the salesman and starts to leave, but as he reaches the door he pauses and turns back to the salesman "Do you know which week two years from now the new car will arrive?" he asks.
The salesman checks his notes and tells the man that it will be two years to the exact week. The man thanks the salesman and starts out again, but upon reaching the door, he turns back again.
"Could you possibly tell me what day of the week two years from now the car will arrive?" The salesman, mildly annoyed, checks his notes again and says that it will be exactly two years from this week, on Thursday. The man thanks the salesman and once again starts to leave.
Halfway though the door, he hesitates, turns back, and walks up to the salesman.
"I'm sorry to be so much trouble, but do you know if that will be two years from now on Thursday in the morning, or in the afternoon?" Visibly irritated, the salesman flips through his papers yet another time and says sharply that it will be in the afternoon, two years from now on Thursday.
"That's a relief!" says the man. "The plumber is coming in the morning!"
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we will may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the Island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks,"Esther, did we pay our charity pledge check to Beth Shalom Synagogue yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther,did we pay our United Jewish Appeal pledge?"
"Oy, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send a check for the Synagogue Building Fund this month," he asks?
"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."
Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years.
Esther pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"
Abe answers, "They'll find us."
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a 3-day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!"
A Scot meets a friend at a train station and explains he's off to Glasgow on his honeymoon. His friend asks, "And just where is your wife."
"She's seen Glasgow." the groom replied.
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah, young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!" and continued to watch, remembering good times. Suddenly he drew in a gasp and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman - she is dead!" and he hurried along as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police chief.
He came, out of breath, to the police station and shouted, "Jean... Jean zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's field making love." The police chief smiled and said; "Come, come, Henri you are not so old; remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah, L'amour! Zis is okay." "Mais non! You do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Jean leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station, jumped on his bike, pedaled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story, and pedaled all the way back non-stop to call the doctor: "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is Jean, I was in Gaston's field; zere is a young couple naked 'aving sex " To which Pierre replied,"Jean, I am a man of science. You must remember, it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very natural." Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand; ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine bag; stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools; jumped in the car; and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field. After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri and Jean, who were waiting at the station. He got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis, do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead; she is British."
The 98 year old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.
The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They gave her some warm milk to drink but she refused. Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said, "Don't sell that cow."
A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither cleric is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest's collar and says, So you're a Priest, that's interesting. I'm a Rabbi. Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.
The Priest replied, I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God! The Rabbi continued, And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.
Then he hands the bottle to the Priest. The Priest shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the Rabbi. The Rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Priest.
The Priest asks, Aren't you having any? The Rabbi replies, No. I think I will just wait for the police.
Desert Island
There were 30 people stranded on a deserted island:
Two Italian men and one Italian women.
Two French men and one French women.
Two German men and one German women.
Two Greek men and one Greek women.
Two English men and one English women.
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian women.
Two Romanian men and one Romanian women.
Two Japanese men and one Japanese women.
Two American men and one American women.
Two Irish men and one Irish women.
After a month the following had happened:
One Italian man had killed the other Italian man over the Italian woman.
The two French men were living happily together with the French woman in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternate visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is doing all the cleaning and cooking.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men look one long look at the ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The three Romanians spend their time begging of the other 27 and flashing their gold teeth.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman keeps complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of fulfilment, the division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
Three men, an American man, a German man, and a Frenchman, completely drunk, after a late night dinner, are having a conversation:
The American: In my country we have buildings that are over 1000-floor high.
The German says: In my country, we have highways that go strainght for over a thousand miles.
The Frenchman says: When I have an erection, my dick is so long, 14 eagles can perch on it.
The following day, the three men, admitting too much alcohol told the truth:
The American said: you know, really, some of our buildings might go over 100-floor high, but no more.
The German says: You know, really, some highways might go 200 miles straight; but no more.
The Frenchman said: You know, really, when I have an erection, the 14th eagle has only one leg on it.
Five Jews change the way we see the world:
Moses: "The Law is everything."
Jesus: "Love is everything."
Marx: "Money is everything."
Freud: "Sex is everything."
Einstein: "Everything is relative."
A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guiness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife?" That won him the top prize for the toast of the night.
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh me that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.
The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."
She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"
Three old men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made mad passionate love, and she screamed for 15 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made mad passionate love and she screamed for 35 minutes."
The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours."
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?" "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, The French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?"
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic. And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants.
Only in Japan (WMV movie)
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1,826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang."
Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy upin County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "this is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"
"At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation,"there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub - that makes eight!"
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr.Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!""And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked."Well, we have two International Harvester combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's tractor from the farm."
Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."
"Really?" said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Paddyrang again the next day. "Right, Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed "I must tell you Paddy that I have a thousand bombers, 500 MiG-19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to two million."
"Faith and begorra!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr.Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change ofheart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."
An English man, a Scots man and an Irish man were trying to get in to see the Olympics without tickets. So they got to the stadium during one of the main events and discussed how they would be able to attend without paying. The English man walked around the stadium and saw a pole lying on the ground and picked it up. He walked to the entrance and said, "Peter. England. Pole throwing."
The guards let him in without hesitation. While walking, the Scots man sees a manhole. He picks up the cover, carries it under his arm to the entrance and says, "McGregor. Scotland. Discus throwing."
The guards let him in also. The Irish man is very frantic, since both his friends are now inside. He walks around the stadium and finds a roll of barbed wire. He picks it up, walks to the entrance and says, "Murphy. Ireland. Fencing."